Life's Great Balancing Act

Where do I go from here….

Well, I published my first blog but now what?? I have reflected every day since then and created so many topics to share or process, but it just seems too overwhelming. Maybe that’s because it’s our climate right now. There are so many moving parts that it’s hard to settle into just one thing. When I think of how my family or I have been impacted by COVID-19, first, I count my blessings; our family is healthy and well, but I know the reality is different for so many families. I heard a reported regarding those affected by COVID-19 on the east coast and they compared that statistic to lives lost during September 11th. Now, this really hit home for me. I was attending college in Brooklyn, New York at the time of 9-11. I remember very clearly the eerie feeling we all felt in the world at that time. I have visual images that will forever be a part of me and an overwhelming sense of fear, grief, confusion and uncertainty. All the while, trying to maintain a sense of normalcy. So, maybe this is where I begin…a new temporary norm.

Living in Missouri, we have now roughly been on three weeks of state quarantine with each week getting a little more restrictive as time goes on. It is my hope that you have now somewhat settled into a bit to a new norm. To give you a little insight into my daily life, it’s been a roller coaster of a ride. I’ve worked really hard throughout my career to manage a healthy work/life balance and now it feels as if my work and life collided at rapid speed…head on! Just like the rest of the world I imagine. We are all juggling the changes. Of course, as a mom, I believe I am always a mom but when I was able to go into work, it gave me a bit of separation in these two worlds: mom and therapist. Now working from home it’s a wee bit harder to get that physical and emotional separation. I have had to transition the majority of my practice to telehealth services which was really exciting, but also scary to me. I was afraid of losing connections, I was worried about confidentiality, safety, appropriateness and questioning how to do my therapeutic intervention through a medium of a computer or phone. All the while, now trying to do therapy and being a mom simultaneously. During my first telehealth session, I had my kids staring at me through the glass door and one of them was partially naked...that’s tough to turn off! I still laugh every time I think of it. I should also share with you that I am homeschooling my girls while managing what feels like is everything else. This truly brings a whole new meaning to “life’s a great balancing act” by Dr. Seuss. The hard part is our world was forced in this space; it is not something we wanted.

So, here we are! I’m going to walk you through some steps I am taking in my own life, in hopes of connecting with my readers through vulnerability and humanity. I have been playing with this idea of reframing COVID-19. Now we all have some understanding of what COVID-19 actually is. We probably see the commercials that remind us to stay home, wash hands, and what the symptoms of the virus are. We see the virus’ impacts in the grocery stores with empty shelves or individuals wearing masks and gloves. Just hearing “COVID-19” we can feel heavy, it can create anxiety, make us feel jaded, numb or maybe we (at three-four weeks in) are just tired of it. So, what better time to reframe our thinking! I have chosen to look at COVID-19 in a new way: as 19-VI-CO. It’s not perfect, but I personally really like it. I have defined 19-VI-CO as 19 Vital Coping. This concept has been a huge help for me to apply to my own life as I try to manage the Groundhog’s Day Effect (as I like to call it) and what I have put in place to manage all my life changes, and to find some rhythm in my juggling act. Now, as I share this, I want to acknowledge that I do understanding that even though we are all experiencing this pandemic, we are also living our own lives. So, this may not be a one-size-fits-all concept yet. I believe we can all benefit in some way, however, we need to recognize what stage of our life we are currently in. If you are experience losses of very basic needs, food, shelter, finances, etc… well, I would image your priorities are around surviving such devastating losses. It is just heartbreaking and heavy to learn of the ways people’s lives have been impacted.

Let’s take a look at 19-VI-CO, I am sure I have more than 19 so I am considering that a bonus in being proactive.

When I first transitioned to telehealth and homeschooling my girls, I had the expectation that I would be able to work while they were working on school assignment…yup, it took me a couple of weeks but I was wrong…haha. I originally designed a new STRUCTURE/ROUTINE for our family. Which we are actually still using except I needed more FLEXIBILITY. Let’s be honest, my 4-year-old and 8-year old’s needs are very different. So, I had to re-evaluated my EXPECTATIONS and face my new reality. So, after some frustration, irritability, and loss of patience, I stepped away for moments at a time to TAKE BREAKS and BREATHE. I had to have AWARENESS of what was happening with me on the inside (thoughts, emotions and what my body way feeling) and the outside (what’s happening around me, with my children, what behaviors or energy I was bringing into the space). In reflection, I didn’t like it. It wasn’t authentic to me. It didn’t feel right. It wasn’t the best me I could be in those moments. So, I did what I knew to do; I decided to separate my worlds. I am no longer doing work while my children are learning. I am solely focusing on them, and then I try to create an environment for them after school while I work later throughout the day. I am honestly GRATEFUL of this switch because it has helped me tremendously. I am also grateful that I can teach my daughter money value versus fractions. I can definitely count pennies!! I truly had to recognize my CAPACITY. It can be very easy for our thoughts to go to a negative shaming place or feelings of guilt, but that is not helpful. This is a time for SELF-COMPASSION. When we can be kinder to ourselves, it can transition us from a place of shame or guilt to a place of acceptance, validation, and humanity; it builds our resiliency. This is definitely a more helpful approach and probably what we need more of in general. We can often be harder on ourselves than we are on other people. Okay, is anyone asking themselves yet, where’s my husband??? Well, he is in same space I am in and I have a lot of EMPATHY for him and his work as a business owner and financial analyst in our economic crisis. But what I recognized is, I was building some anger and resentment toward him. If I were to judge him, it felt as if he could separate and go into the office or just tune out the rest of the house (and let me be honest) most of the time when both of us are home our girls are looking for mom. “It’s a mom thing,” I guess! But I needed to NOT BE JUDGMENTAL, I wasn’t ASKING FOR SUPPORT, nor was I TALKING ABOUT THE HARD PARTS. Now, when I encourage individuals to talk about the hard parts, I encourage a level of vulnerability in sharing and I hope for attunement, which is our partner’s not just listening, but truly hearing what is being said in that space of vulnerability. Now we have to be aware of the truth of our own relationships. So, I finally looked at him and said, I am either going to “cry or my head is going to explode”. We actually both ended up LAUGHING so we found some humor in what we were experiencing. But it created the space to talk about what we were both going through. We also laughed later that night at our 4-year old, who for the first time dunked her Oreo cookie in milk and in that moment, she was awoken to a whole new love for Oreos and possibly life. Anyway, for some reason I thought I had to do it all on my own, so I had to LET GO OF CONTROL. Crazy, right? Thinking of letting go of control in a world we don’t have a lot of control in right now (or truly ever). I tell you what, I think this is a time to move toward CONNECTION, not away. And of course, knowing and trusting my husband, he stepped up and is meeting my needs. Just yesterday, I came home from work and he had dinner ready and was playing music from our college days. I chuckled for a moment and grabbed him to dance with me in the kitchen. It was so ordinary and cheesy, but I acted with MEANING/INTENTION/PURPOSE. He met me on the dance floor and that is a true act of the Dance of Attachment. Then I grabbed my girls and did the same thing…we danced! So, throughout this time, I am having to focus on my VALUES and BELIEFS to maintain feeling grounded and connected to myself and with others in my life.

Here is my 19-VI-CO bonus!

So here we are forced in a situation we didn’t ask for. We have to more toward ACCEPTANCE. This eerie feeling in our environment: the fear, grief, confusion, and uncertainty is where I BELIEVE we have some great opportunities. Now, I know this is not easy, and again we are all facing our own challenges in life. But we can try! We still have control…of ourselves and who we choose to be in these moments and how we handle these crazy times. In a world that we have created with such busyness, we are now being forced to slow down. This could mean that we are forced to face things we have been avoiding. Maybe we have a new awareness in things we didn’t even realize where issues. Maybe the “stuff” that we used to “deal with” in life is no longer, “okay”. Our lives have been disrupted, so it can cause things to change. This is where I believe mental health issues may be on the rise. Issues and concerns we already face may get exacerbated. What we used to use as coping may not be an option anymore. So, we have to explore ALTERNATIVE COPING and TRY SOMETHING NEW. We can ASK FOR HELP. I know of great clinical friends that are doing incredible things and community resources that available to all of us.

It is my HOPE that you are able to find a space to embrace SITTING STILL, REST, and PEACE. I hope you can find the rainbows in the mix of our storm. I do believe there is a SILVER LINING in all of this, so look for it! Take an ALTERNATIVE PERSPECTIVE. I choose to believe our world will come out of this greater than ever. Of course, I don’t know what it looks like, yet, but I am already seeing wonderful examples of connection and support happening all around us. So, I am trying to stay connected to my FAITH and SPIRITUALITY and I hope you can find what works for you during this unforeseen time.

As for me, I have already learned a lot, but mostly I learned that my fears and insecurities are not always REAL. I learned that I am capable of more than I give myself credit for. And lastly, that I have an incredible team of support from my family, clinical friends, distant friends and my girlfrans! So, I express my GRATITUDE to them for being in my world!

The information or content obtained from this blog is not intended to assess, diagnosis, or should not be used as a substitute for therapeutic treatment. The intentions of this blog are for entertainment and general information, not for individualized clinical advice or treatment. If you find that any content activates concerns for your own mental health, please contact a licensed mental health professional for assistance. If you choose to comment, you are responsible for you own confidentiality on this public social media platform. The use of this blog does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Nor does it have any endorsement benefits or relationship to products.